Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield Jokes

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

Once, somebody stole our car. I asked my wife if she saw who it was. She said, "No, but I did get the license number".

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

My cousin is gay; I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. And I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!

My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the local restaurant I sat down and had broken leg of lamb.

My wife had her drivers test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

I asked him, "Who said you could fool around with my wife?" He said, "Everybody."

I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.

My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I'm so ugly... I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.

One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

My old man, I told him I'm tired of running around in circles. So he nailed my other foot to the floor.

My cousin is gay; in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.

People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon...

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor, I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.

For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

I was so depressed that I decided to jump from the tenth floor. They sent up a priest. He said "On your mark... "

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can't.

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

My wife has to be the worst cook. Her specialty is indigestion.

One day as I came home early from work... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early.

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

My cousin is gay; he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, "The car behind me is paying for two."