Richard Pryor

Richard Pryor Jokes

I woke up in an ambulance. And it wasn’t nothing but white people staring at me. I said, “Ain’t this a bitch. I done died and wound up in the wrong muthafucking heaven.

”My father died fucking. He did. My father was 57 when he died. The woman was 18. My father came and went at the same time.

When the show don't be funny, I take my dick out and piss. This is called The Garden Row.

Most people that you talk to, they's intelligent.

How do you 'accidentally' shoot a nigga in the chest six times? 'Well, my gun fell and just went crazy!'

When I hear 'yee-haw!', that scare the shit outta me. Cuz I know what come next. Y'all remember? Y'all's ancestors used to hang us for kicks? ..Muthafuckin on the weekend (hot!! couldn't get no pussy..)? ..'Let's go down to the jail, get a couple of them black ones and just string 'em up. ..yeehaww..' ..When I hear that, shit crawl all up and down my neck.

I know how white people feel in America now, relaxed. (upon traveling to Zimbabwe) Because when I hear the police siren, I knew they wasn't comin' after me.

White people go; Why you guys hold your things(penis)? Cause you done took every thing else motherfucka!

2 million white people, 22 million blacks.. They can't hang. (South Africa)

Only thing is, like, America helps them muthafuckas. Like sending them bombs, and napalm and shit. ..Help them bomb black people and shit. Fuck that.(South Africa)

I had to stop drinkin', cuz I got tired of waking in my car driving ninety.

I couldn't stop drinkin' until the bartender said, "WE GOT NO MORE FUCKING LIQUOR! Now take your ass home, pal."

What I never understand about a hangover is, where does the breath come from? You know what I mean? I mean, is someone shitting in your mouth?

And it's the people you meet after you been drunk, that remember shit you don't remember: "Hey Rich, don't you remember that time we went out, we got fucked up, and you stuck your arm up that elephant's ass? Don't you remember that? Elephant tightened his ass up and went walking down the street with you? Don't you remember that? Man, you looked like a turd with a hat on."

(on coke) "Somebody told me you put it on your dick, you could fuck all night. Shouldn't have told me that - my dick had a jones, $600 a day just to get my dick hard."

Being sober, and being off drugs, too, it's a strange feeling. And I get real scared when I'm out here sometimes. I get real nervous about it. I wanna fuckin' run! You know, I look out there, I say, "SHIT! IT'S SCARY!" And I say, "Fuck it. Go through it. Just feel the experience. Just fuck it." 'Cause if I had some drugs and shit now, I wouldn't give a fuck. But then I'd come off stage, I still wouldn't give a fuck. Then, by the time you're fifty, after a lot of not giving a fuck, you miss part of your life. They'll say, What happened to your life? "I didn't give a fuck."

"If you want some pussy, you'll talk all that shit with them. ..'Hey, yeah,, sure,, the cosmos.. sure..'

I went to penitentiary one time, not me personally, but me and Gene went there for a movie. "Arizona State Penitentiary" Population: 90 percent black people. But there are no black people in Arizona, they have to bus motherfuckers in!

When that fire hit your ass, it will sober your ass up *quick*! I saw something, I went, "Well, that's a pretty blue. You know what? That looks like *fire*!" Fire is inspirational. They should use it in the Olympics, because I ran the 100 in 4.3