I need to see a face because that name sounds so familiar.
My brothers would never let me play with them so to get back at them I would put vaseline on the Twister mat. Left arm, BROKEN!
I don't know what's up with cranberries, but they're getting in all the other juices. Hey you got apple let's make it cran-apple go 50-50. You got grape cran-grape, you got pork chops cran-chops. Settle down there cranberry man, take you salesman trophy and take a vacation.
Peanut butter and jelly in the same jar. I don't understand that. I mean, I'm lazy but I'd like to meet the guy that needs that. This guy must be thinking, "I could go for a sandwich, but I'm not gonna open TWO jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars and cleaning WHO KNOWS how many knives."
I saw this sign posted once, it said, 'blasting zone ahead'. Wow... shouldn't that read: Road Closed. What do you mean there's a blasting zone, what am I supposed to do, 'Hey-- ah, you might wanna buckle up, blasting zone coming up. Yeah. Just saw the sign. Put the helmets on back there! Yeah I think we're-- (Pow!)-- Oh! We're getting close! (Pow!)-- Oh! This is gonna be a bad blasting zone! Remember that last one--we lost Billy?
I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!
A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?
I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.
I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American — you know, you grow.
You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?
Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.
There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven you can’t say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be baaaad. They must be OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. “All of you words over here, you seven….baaaad words.” That’s what they told us, right? …You know the seven, don’t ya? That you can’t say on TV? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits.
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.
If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.
Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.”
As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.
If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.
You can prick your finger — just don’t finger your prick.
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.
I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat.
Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.
I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos.
I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook.
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place? There’s such balance in nature.
So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.
Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason.
Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.
Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.
I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.
One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.
If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?
What year did Jesus think it was?
George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.
Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.
Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.
“One thing leads to another”? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been able to hear it.
Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die, it all stays here.
The best thing about living at the water’s edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash.
The future will soon be a thing of the past.
The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.
The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.
Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.
“When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!
Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.
And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National Institute of Pancakes: It reads, and I quote, “Fuck waffles.”
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Whoever coined the term “Buyer Beware” was probably bleeding from the asshole.
Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.
Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?
I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin’ ready to hang himself.
The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
“Meow” means “woof” in cat.
Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
“No comment” is a comment.
If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.
You can’t argue with a good blowjob.
Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.
So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.
Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.
Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?
When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.
The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.
I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.
If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!
Hooray for most things!
Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.
I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Life is a zero sum game.
Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.
I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
At one point he decided enough was enough.
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!' Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
Hermits have no peer pressure.
How young can you die of old age?
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
I invented the cordless extension cord.
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding. I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'
I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
It's a small world but I wouldn't want to paint it.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises the baby makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
So, do you live around here often?
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
Sponges grow in the ocean. This bothers me. How deep would it be if they didn't?
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
What a nice night for an evening.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes."
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
I woke up in an ambulance. And it wasn’t nothing but white people staring at me. I said, “Ain’t this a bitch. I done died and wound up in the wrong muthafucking heaven.
”My father died fucking. He did. My father was 57 when he died. The woman was 18. My father came and went at the same time.
When the show don't be funny, I take my dick out and piss. This is called The Garden Row.
Most people that you talk to, they's intelligent.
How do you 'accidentally' shoot a nigga in the chest six times? 'Well, my gun fell and just went crazy!'
When I hear 'yee-haw!', that scare the shit outta me. Cuz I know what come next. Y'all remember? Y'all's ancestors used to hang us for kicks? ..Muthafuckin on the weekend (hot!! couldn't get no pussy..)? ..'Let's go down to the jail, get a couple of them black ones and just string 'em up. ..yeehaww..' ..When I hear that, shit crawl all up and down my neck.
I know how white people feel in America now, relaxed. (upon traveling to Zimbabwe) Because when I hear the police siren, I knew they wasn't comin' after me.
White people go; Why you guys hold your things(penis)? Cause you done took every thing else motherfucka!
2 million white people, 22 million blacks.. They can't hang. (South Africa)
Only thing is, like, America helps them muthafuckas. Like sending them bombs, and napalm and shit. ..Help them bomb black people and shit. Fuck that.(South Africa)
I had to stop drinkin', cuz I got tired of waking in my car driving ninety.
I couldn't stop drinkin' until the bartender said, "WE GOT NO MORE FUCKING LIQUOR! Now take your ass home, pal."
What I never understand about a hangover is, where does the breath come from? You know what I mean? I mean, is someone shitting in your mouth?
And it's the people you meet after you been drunk, that remember shit you don't remember: "Hey Rich, don't you remember that time we went out, we got fucked up, and you stuck your arm up that elephant's ass? Don't you remember that? Elephant tightened his ass up and went walking down the street with you? Don't you remember that? Man, you looked like a turd with a hat on."
(on coke) "Somebody told me you put it on your dick, you could fuck all night. Shouldn't have told me that - my dick had a jones, $600 a day just to get my dick hard."
Being sober, and being off drugs, too, it's a strange feeling. And I get real scared when I'm out here sometimes. I get real nervous about it. I wanna fuckin' run! You know, I look out there, I say, "SHIT! IT'S SCARY!" And I say, "Fuck it. Go through it. Just feel the experience. Just fuck it." 'Cause if I had some drugs and shit now, I wouldn't give a fuck. But then I'd come off stage, I still wouldn't give a fuck. Then, by the time you're fifty, after a lot of not giving a fuck, you miss part of your life. They'll say, What happened to your life? "I didn't give a fuck."
"If you want some pussy, you'll talk all that shit with them. ..'Hey, yeah,, sure,, the cosmos.. sure..'
I went to penitentiary one time, not me personally, but me and Gene went there for a movie. "Arizona State Penitentiary" Population: 90 percent black people. But there are no black people in Arizona, they have to bus motherfuckers in!
When that fire hit your ass, it will sober your ass up *quick*! I saw something, I went, "Well, that's a pretty blue. You know what? That looks like *fire*!" Fire is inspirational. They should use it in the Olympics, because I ran the 100 in 4.3
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
Once, somebody stole our car. I asked my wife if she saw who it was. She said, "No, but I did get the license number".
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
My cousin is gay; I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. And I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!
My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the local restaurant I sat down and had broken leg of lamb.
My wife had her drivers test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.
I asked him, "Who said you could fool around with my wife?" He said, "Everybody."
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.
My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.
I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
I'm so ugly... I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.
What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.
One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!
With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
My old man, I told him I'm tired of running around in circles. So he nailed my other foot to the floor.
My cousin is gay; in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.
People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon...
Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor, I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.
Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.
Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.
I was so depressed that I decided to jump from the tenth floor. They sent up a priest. He said "On your mark... "
Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.
At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can't.
My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
My wife has to be the worst cook. Her specialty is indigestion.
One day as I came home early from work... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early.
One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
My cousin is gay; he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, "The car behind me is paying for two."
I had a velco wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I opened the wallet, it was like the sound of my addiction.
I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.
Why are there no during pictures.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there is somebody else on the planet shaving as well, so I say, “I’m gonna go shave too.”
My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got half way. She’s an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don’t call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, and now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips…
I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way it’s coming.
If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptible…
That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, “It’s cool, he’s with me.”
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that day…
An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an “Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order” sign, just “Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.”
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
My friend said to me, “You know what I like? Mashed potatoes.” I was like, “Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you’re going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.”
People teach their dogs to sit, it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
I like cinnimon rolls, but I don’t always have time to make a pan. That’s why I wish they would sell cinnimon roll incense. After all I’d rather light a stick and have my room-mate wake up with false hopes.
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, “You’re gonna have to move, you’re blocking a fire exit.” As though if there was a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. If you’re flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
Alcoholism is a disease, but it’s the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis… one of those two doesn’t sound right.
I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get ahold of me they just say, “Mitch,” and I say, “what” and turn my head slightly…
I wrote a letter to my dad - I wrote, “I really enjoy being here,” but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it so i crossed it out and wrote, “I rarely drive steamboats, dad - there’s a lot of shit you don’t know about me. Quit trying to act like I’m a steamboat operator.” This letter took a harsh turn right away…
I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. “Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide…”
If I was a locksmith, I’d be pimping that out man. I’ll trade you a free key duplication for… That joke made me laugh before I could finish it, which is good, because it had no ending.
Someone handed me a picture and said, “This is a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture of you is when you were younger. “…Here’s a picture of me when I’m older.” Where’d you get that camera man?
It’s very dangerous to wave to people you don’t know because what if they don’t have hands? They’ll think you’re cocky.
It’s hard to dance if you just your lost wallet. “Whoa! Where’s my wallet? But, hey this song is funky…”
I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I’ll go and replace it before they check it off, but they make that stuff impossible to replace. I go to the store and ask, “Do you have coke in a glass harmonica? …Do you have individually wrapped cashews?”
Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret , but I don’t do it though. One day I’m gonna though. You bet your ass, I will have a beret on. That’s ridiculous, but it’s true. I always fight with wearing a beret.
My friend was walking down the street and he said, “I hear music.” As if there is any other way of taking it in. I tried to taste it, but it did not work.
I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut… I don’t need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don’t need to bring ink and paper into this. I can’t imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, Don’t even act like I didn’t buy a doughnut, I’ve got the documentation right here… It’s in my file at home. …Under “D”.
This shirt is dry clean only. Which means… It’s dirty.
I saw a human pyramid once. It was totally unnecessary.
I played golf… I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That’s way more satisfying…
At my hotel room my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said “Certainly.” He said “Do I need to dial 9?” I say “Yeah. Especially if it’s in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick.”
I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don’t know why, that’s what they’re supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.
I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I have to tell them something that is going on. “What time is it, Mitch?” “Uh, that guy is eating a hamburger.” “Shit, I had to be somewhere…”
I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can’t tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to hard.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it, I don’t need another step between me and toast.
I got to write these jokes. So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that’s funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn’t funny.
I want to get a job as someone who names kitchen appliances. Toaster, refridgerator, blender….all you do is say what the shiit does, and add “er”. I wanna work for the Kitchen Appliance Naming Institute. Hey, what does that do? It keeps shiit fresh. Well that’s a fresher….I’m going on break. I want to be a rebellious McDonald’s owner. Cheeseburgers… NOPE… we got spaghetti!!
I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go cart with my ex-landlord.
Man. I went to the doctor the other day. All this guy did was suck blood out of my neck. Never go to see Dr. Acula.
Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said “No, but I want a regular banana later, so, Yeah.”
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.
I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.
…and then at the end of the letter I like to write “P.S. - this is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.
I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill…
I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwhiches? All-encompassingly…
I wrote my friend a letter with a highlighting pen, but he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. There’s a large out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside.
My roommate says, “I’m going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom?” It’s like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.
On a traffic light yellow means yield, and green means go. On a banana, it’s just the opposite, yellow means go ahead, green means stop, and red means, where’d you get that banana?
I like buying snacks from a vending machine because food is better when it falls. Sometimes at the grocery, I’ll drop a candy bar so that it will achieve its maximum flavor potential.
You know they call corn-on-the-cob, “corn-on-the-cob”, but that’s how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and every other type of corn, corn-off-the-cob. It’s not like if someone cut off my arm they would call it “Mitch”, and then re-attached it, and call it “Mitch-all-together”.
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
My lucky number is 4 billion, that doesn’t come in real handy when your gambling. I’m gonna need some more dice, 4 billion divided by 6, at least.
The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, “Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?” I’ll say, “Just press two for a while, when I answer, you’ll know that you’ve pressed two enough.”
I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth.
I opened-up a yoghurt , underneath the lid it said, “Please try again.” because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. …Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me… “Come on Mitchell, don’t give up!” An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top.
I had a bag of fritos, they were texas grilled fritos. These fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of something, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on, better flip that frito, dad, you know how I like mine.
I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don’t relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military.
I wish I could play little league now. I’d be way better than before.
My appartments infested with koala bears. It’s the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter, but I don’t want them too. I’m like, “Hey… Hold on fellows… Let me hold one of you, and feed you a leaf.” Koala bears are so cute, why do they have to be so far away from me. We need to ship a few over, so I can hold one, and pat it on its head.
I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I’m going to have all my clothes made out of blankets
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